I came here and started writing a completely different post…and then had a small panic attack about what I was writing. It was going to be about finally feeling “free,” on a number of fronts. Those of you who are sports fans might understand why I couldn’t write the post. When any of my favorite sports teams play in a big game (GO PATS!), there are certain things I can and cannot do on game day…certain hats I won’t wear, certain bets I won’t make, certain parts of the game I might refuse to watch, certain status updates I won’t post on Facebook until the game is really over (most of the time, I’m only human, after all), as though things that I do or say could control the outcome of the game (they can, I just know it!). Somewhere in my brain, I guess I understand that nothing I do or say could possibly affect the outcome, but I guarantee you this–you won’t see me in any Pats gear this weekend, and it’s in large part because of me that the Bruins won the Stanley Cup.
Most of my rituals on game day involve outwardly pretending that I don’t care about the outcome of the game, and trying not to say or do anything that could be considered “cocky” and jinx my team. And so today, all I can say is that I don’t care at all that my pathology came back and all the nodes tested are confirmed negative for cancer. I don’t care that it’s Stage 1, or that they found another 4mm nodule that was too small to show up on my MRI yet, vindicating my decision to do bilateral mastectomy instead of the recommended lumpectomy. And I definitely don’t care at all, and would never say out loud, that I am, at least for today, cancer free. BIG DEAL.
And I will tell you that I went to both doctors’ offices today and had 2 of 4 drains and my lidocaine ball removed (yay!) and am much more comfortable than I was yesterday. And I’ll tell you that I’m feeling a little bit better every day and regaining my physical strength. And I’ll tell you that when I came home from the doctors’ appointments, it was an impossibly tough call whether to eat first, or take my first real shower in 9 days, but I won’t tell you which way that call went. And if my brother would just go on his work trip to Israel instead of staying here to help out if we need him, which coincidentally also gives him the opportunity to watch the AFC Championship game, then the Patriots might just have a chance. But I doubt it. And I don’t really care anyway, right?