I’ll just jump right in with a Tamoxifen update. So far, I think I’ve been pretty lucky. I haven’t really experienced hot flashes at all, which if you know me, is HUGE. On the flip side, I appear not to be in the large percentage of women who lose weight while taking Tamoxifen and I am riding an emotional roller coaster that just won’t quit, which could be at least in part because I’m not in the large percentage of women who lose weight while taking Tamoxifen. It’s hard to know what part of the emotional roller coaster is related to the tamoxifen and what is just life right now but really, it’s a distinction without a difference.
I quit my job last July, and had big plans after I did…organize the house, cook more real meals, go back to the gym, start playing tennis again, maybe even read a few books. In October, I had the mammogram that lead to my diagnosis, and started several months filled with doctors’ appointments, minor medical procedures, major surgery, and just a little bit of anxiety. Now that the dust has settled, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve survived cancer, now I’m supposed to clean out my pantry? The truth is, some days, I don’t feel like doing much of anything. If it were just up to me, I would probably drop the kids off at school, come back home, and crawl under the covers until it was time to pick the kids up at school again. But that’s not good, and I know that. So instead, I’ve been going to the gym, making plans to have lunch or coffee with friends whenever I can, and challenging myself to do more, even when I don’t want to do a thing.
Today, I had Benjamin home with me after he went to the eye doctor and had to have his pupils dilated. Sometime in the afternoon, he wanted to play football, so I decided we should go to the park because it was such a beautiful day. After that, we went and picked Abigail up from spring break camp and I took both of them to free cone day at Ben & Jerry’s for a little pre-dinner dessert. After ice cream, I of course took them for pizza for dinner. Both kids thought I had LOST MY MIND, which was an important reminder that sometimes, changing things up and having a little fun can go a long way.
Tomorrow, it’s back to the gym, and the grocery store, and long overdue Passover preparations. But today was a good day. And I have so much to look forward to–family coming to town for Passover, a visit from the Pecoriellos, a visit from Jodi, who understands better than anyone the ups and downs of this crazy ride, Abigail’s 8th birthday, my exchange surgery (now scheduled for May 1), my 10th wedding anniversary (fingers crossed!), and our trip to Vermont/Tyler Place in July. These are the things that make the hard days easier. And a free ice cream cone doesn’t hurt, either.
I’m so glad that you and your family all had dessert before dinner.
It’s the little fun things that we do that matter. I hope that going to the gymn tomorrow will make you feel better……………..it always did for me.
Mary
Honey, I’m right there with you on that roller coaster ride. It made my heart leap when I read, “I’ve survived cancer.” It’s so inspiring to know that that is possible. I’m not at that point yet. Still have 3 weeks of radiation treatments and wait for scan results to know if I can finally say that. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been seriously considering having my right (supposedly healthy) breast removed, just so I’m not always wondering “When it’ll happen again”. And so I’m not lopsided since I’m still on the fence about reconstruction.
Maybe I’ll have Ice cream and pizza for dinner tonight so see if I can come away with a renewed perspective.
Thanks for sharing your story here.
Randa
Amen to all those truths (who are these bitches who lose weight on tamoxifen?) and as always to your courage and strength. Counting the seconds to give you a hug because certainly if the universe wanted us to take this ride together, it might have let live closer than 1000 mile apart. Love you.
love your honestly and bravery–many of us go through similar ‘blue’ periods’ for various reasons or for no reason at all sometimes but its so nice to not feel alone, thank you for sharing!!!!
Lisa,
You are a tremendous women! I have the best job in the world, am healthy and have a healthy family and I STILL feel like pulling the covers up! Sometimes I even do it…I might suggest a low dose of either wine or prozac, both work for me! Im sending you positive healthy energy! Hug your parents when you see them, sometimes that even helps…especially Dad!